Repeat after me, ex-Miss USA: “I shall not steal”

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Hello, Shannon? The former Miss USA … Shannon Marketic? I would have not become interested in your story had you been caught stealing, say, electronics. There are thieves aplenty in this world, and I don’t like thieves.

But because you are accused of stealing an Oil of Olay Professional ProX Skin treatment, I became intrigued. Well, because of that, and because we are the same age, under 40. But the fact that you are a former beauty queen made me feel sad for you. A former beauty queen stealing Oil of Olay from Target? Have we women swallowed hook, line and sinker?

What ever happened to Eat, Pray, Love? Rhetorical question. I’m tired of faux illuminati and the like. But really! Why do we allow the media to sell us images of what we “could look like.” How desperate does one have to be to steal beauty products?

Ay, ay, ay. You see, I started using Oil of Olay a year ago, after a trip to Target with my kids. It had been a month since running out of my fancy department-store-bought lotions and potions, and I kept telling myself, I’ll go to the mall tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. So, after I literally squished the last bit of cream out of every travel-size sample of anti-wrinkle XYZ tube I had collected, and after being bombarded with TV and print ads and hearing about the quasi-miraculous properties of the “all new” Oil of Olay, I bit – and got hooked.

To my surprise, I don’t look any worse or any better than I did when I was spending seven times as much on fancy anti-aging products. If my face could “downgrade” to Oil of Olay bought at Target or Walgreens, then everything else I put on my body (and that I buy for my household for that matter) could follow suit. Savvy shopper, stingy consumer, or simply realistic me.

But I’m really calling to tell you that you don’t have to buy into the crazed, mean, deceiving and aggressive beauty industry marketing. If you did, in fact, steal the Oil of Olay, I don’t condone it. But I think I could mount a decent legal defense and claim temporary insanity.

Last time I went shopping I came across lip-plumping lipstick, eyelash-expanding and volumizing mascara, color-enhancing shampoo, anti-frizz conditioner, cellulite-controlling body moisturizer, revitalizing body wash, pore-minimizing face wash; tooth-whitening toothpaste, conditioning shaving cream, tone-enhancing face scrub, callous-removing foot lotion, sun-spot-eliminating and cuticle-softening hand lotion ….

And then the apparel.

Body-contouring camisole, butt-lifting panty girdle, push-up separating bra, leg-lengthening jeans, slimming dress, anti-muffin-top tank top, muscle-toning shoes …. Ay, dios.

This is enough to drive anyone permanently insane. Butt-lifting panty girdle, my a ….

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