Lola

On my wish(ful thinking) list: Magic chones

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I’m not a runner, but like many Americans I’m constantly frazzled and running around during the workweek.  This sweatless “workxercise” can be strenuous, but lacks the benefits of real exercise. To make up for this, I’ve substituted my work chair with an exercise ball to strengthen my core, and I squeeze and release my buttocks and belly muscles throughout the day while sitting or driving. 

Of course, it would be easier to set time aside and work out daily, but sometimes, despite my best efforts, it doesn’t happen. Fed up with my excuses and lack of determination, and wanting to capitalize more on the daily grind, I bought a fitness magazine. 

Flipping through the pages, I saw an ad for Reebok’s EasyTone shoes: for just $100, these puppies purportedly deliver 28 percent more strength and tone in the buttock muscles and 11 percent more of the same in the hamstring and calf muscles, compared to regular running shoes. Woohoo! Adios, Stewart Weitzman stilettos. Who cares if these shoes are ugly if you can get a 28 percent stronger and more toned butt, right? 

Then I saw an ad for another incredible product, the iPant (no relation to the iPad or the iPhone, although the product’s claims are as revolutionary as Steve Job’s gadgets). The iPant is an undergarment with embedded microcapsules containing caffeine to promote the unthinkable: fat des-truc-tion. Just what I needed.  Goodbye fat! 

These chones may look like regular spanks, but release vitamin E to prevent the effects of aging for youthful-looking pompis, and ceramides to restore and maintain the booty’s smoothness, plus Retinol and aloe vera to moisturize and increase the firmness of the skin. Kinda like Oil of Olay for your behind. The savvy shopper and consumer advocate in me knows better, but still, too tempting!

If I already wear underwear all day long, why not give it a try? All I had to do was dish out $60 and wear the undergarment for at least 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 28 days; which means I have to buy more than one pair or make time to hand-wash the bloomers every day. (The manufacturer claims the caffeine and other ingredients are still present in the garment after 100 washes. In my naiveté, I’m inclined to believe this as I’ve washed my coffee-stained white dress shirt about 20 times and I can still see the silhouette of the caramel macchiato spill). 

Feeling thinner and more toned simply by picturing myself in the magic chones and the equally brilliant toning shoes, I began adding other items to my holiday stocking-stuffer wish(ful thinking) list.

Alas, I checked the Interweb for product reviews and was confronted with la realidad. Last month, Reebok dished out $25 million to settle a complaint filed by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) over false and deceptive advertising practices related to the EasyTone shoes. If only the FCT’s policing of truth in advertising practices extended to cosmetic products. 

As for the chones and my time-management skills … there’s still hope.  

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