Lola’s Voicemail: Cubs 4 Charity

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Miss C? Ma’am?

When my comadre Nancy text me, “Lts go 2 chrity cub auction @ Dvls Mrtini,” I responded “Allrgic 2 cats. Cn I writ u a chk?” My ignorance prompted yet another text message: “Duh. Chk ur EM.” Then came the phone call.

And that’s how I found out the auction you are organizing will not feature or benefit endangered mountain lions in a preserve or feline sanctuary, but rather bachelor men – cubs – who will “strut their stuff” and be auctioned off to cougars, all in the name of charity.

I understand the auction is also the official launch of your new business venture, Cougars & Co. I admire your entrepreneurial spirit and I’m sure single women who subscribe to the cougar lifestyle will surely appreciate your members-only, online networking community.

Call me old-fashioned, but do you really, really find the animal metaphors empowering? Opting into the cougar-cub discourse just reinforces the objectification of both men and women, don’tcha think?

Plus, let’s face it. The cougar hype does little to confront ageism; it reinforces it. Ay, AARP cardholders sporting R-rated versions of Hanna Montana fashions. A stroll in Cougar Town Scottsdale gives credence to this; so does the popularity of some apparel name brands, like Not your Daughter’s Jeans. Think about it. Now picture your mother wanting to wear your crotch-clutching jeans. Sad, isn’t it?

And the hyper-sexed cougar lexicon – “the hunt is on,” “on the prowl,” – glorifies sexual predatory behavior. I’m sure the cubs in the auction are of consenting age, but please!

Suddenly older women bidding for hunks in the auction block is amusing, and the term “boy toy” gives women agency and a sense of empowerment. Really?

Would you want your daughters (if you have any) auctioned off to 50-something-year-old men, or to be called, viewed, or treated as “girl toys?”

Is this what has become of the women who lived through the sexual liberation of the ‘60s and ‘70s? Oh my.

Women who like the cougar metaphor and use it to describe themselves ought to know cougars are considered game animals. In Arizona, hunters are required to present their lion to the Arizona Game and Fish Department for inspection.

Also, in the animal kingdom, cougars maintain spatial separation between each other to ensure their survival. In other words, if your cougar friends are hotter than you, and you really want to catch a cub, you better go barhopping alone. If these separations are not maintained, mountain lions kill each other. It’s the survival of the fittest, my dear. So, there goes the cougar sisterhood.

But, I forgot; that’s part of the allure, the wild dating jungle.

Also, in the animal kingdom, the felines in question communicate through scrapes and fecal mounds, and purr, meow, hiss, growl, spit, and scream.

Wild indeed.

Even Demi Moore seems to partially agree with me. She recently told Harper Bazaar she hates the term cougar because “it has become so distasteful.”

Qué novedad.

She now prefers the term “puma” because it’s more elegant and has a sweeter quality. Very funny. If you see her, please tell her that a puma, cougar, mountain lion, and catamount are all the same thing.

Oh – and one last thing. I hope your Cougar friends never run out of spending money. Because, have you heard the joke, “What do you call a cougar without a Nordstrom charge card?” Not funny.

Buena suerte, Miss Cougar.

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