Callista …. Mrs. Gingrich? …

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I’m calling to tell you I think you are brilliant. Your travails as a political spouse and marketer extraordinaire of Newton Leroy Gingrich’s born-again, political persona are fantabulous.

Like Dante Alighieri’s Beatrice, you’ve illuminated the former speaker’s path and inspired his mind, heart and soul. Thanks to you, Newt converted to Catholicism and you have become a touchstone in his political campaign and his Gingrich Productions business venture. Some even suggest that your Catholic choirgirl devotion has helped rewrite his past.

Thanks to you this conservative “family values man,” who has been married three times, is able to tour the nation with a straight face, screening documentaries about your Holiness Pope John Paul II and about “the importance of our Creator to our nation’s founders and their successors.”

Muy inteligente. He has been known to speak truth to power (like when he grilled President Clinton for lying under oath about what he was doing under his desk at the oval office) but I’m not sure he has chosen truth over power (wasn’t he having an “affair” with you at the same time? One that lasted “just” six years?).

Is it true that he served his high school geometry teacher, also his first wife, with divorce papers at the hospital after she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer? A former aid claims Newt thought she wasn’t “young enough or pretty enough to be the president’s wife. I’ve also read that he proposed to his would-be wife número dos before divorcing his teacher and then, in a cruel twist of fate, left wife No. 2 after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and told her, while cheating on her with you, “I can’t handle a Jaguar right now. All I want is a Chevrolet.” Ouch! Not a very nice thing to say to someone with MS. Plus, Callista the Chevy?! You may be 23 years his junior, but I’m not picturing you as a Chevy.

But as they say, “Más sabe el diablo por viejo que por diablo.” Of his shortcomings and indiscretions, your viejito quips, “I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness, not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness.”  How do you argue with that? Smart.

And you are very smart, too, and creative. You have an upcoming children’s history book featuring “Ellis the Elephant” American history from an elephant’s perspective. How subtle.

Before I forget, and just in case, here’s a list of influential power players you need to put on speed-dial to help get you through your hubby’s run for the GOP presidential nod.

In this order:

• St. John Chrysostom, patron saint of speakers and preachers (his body was weak but his tongue was powerful)

• St. Bernardine of Siena, patron saint of marketing (long before guerilla marketing existed, he came up with the symbol of a blazing sun with the inscription JHS)

• St. Thomas More, patron saint of politicians  (aka “a man of all seasons,” he taught us that government should be an exercise of virtue)

• St. Monica, patron saint of married women (she was a triple dare:  prudent, patient and persistent)

• St. Eligius, patron saint of jewelers (in the event half a million in Tiffany jewelry is not enough)

And of course, if all else fails, there’s my consentido St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes. But be warned: He doesn’t like it when people cry wolf. Remember, not all is lost until it’s lost, so you can get busy with the others and get to him when you really need him (like in a month or so).

Buena suerte.

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