LPM Staff

Eureka!

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Check out the Jimmy Kimmel Live’s YouTube link and see the latest, most amazing, innovative, effective, scientifically proven, money-back-guaranteed exercise program ever conceived: Jimmy K’s Hottie Body Humpilates! Yes, you too can have a body like Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba or Sofia Vergara! Join the Hottie Body Hump Club today!

Wait! There’s more!! …

Forgive me. There is no more; there is no such thing as the Hottie Body Hump Club. There is no such thing as Humpilates. The truth is, comedian TV talk show host Jimmy Kimmel has made a mockery of the ridiculous infomercials, workout contraptions and quack claims that, somehow, millions of people buy into hook, line and … sinker.

Why is that, I can’t help but wonder? Is it gullibility? Desperation? Boredom, maybe? I’m guessing a bit of all three, and throw in a little flojera for good measure. But what about some of the other contraptions out there? Ones that claim you’ll lose 30 pounds in 30 days with just three minutes of “exercise” using their particular invention.

The thought of exercising 30 minutes a day, eating right, etcetera, etcetera, generally bores us to tears – we’d rather take a shortcut, any shortcut.

“There are no ‘shortcuts’ to good physical health,” says certified personal trainer Scott Skinner of Anthem, “and you must make it a lifestyle change if you expect to maintain what you accomplish.”

We also let ourselves get sucked into infomercials that promise “magical” results, whether it’s the latest skin cream, slicer-dicer or abs crusher. It’s a psychological ploy, with bonus DVDs and great prices if you order in the next 19 minutes (but, wait, there’s more!). I know; I’ve fallen prey to the obnoxious ads as I’ve remote-controlled my way through cable channels looking for the Suns game.

This is not to say all workout inventions are ineffective – my friend Lindsay claims, “Nothing beats the Thighmaster. Really.” I can’t deny it since I haven’t tried it; I presume Suzanne Somers wouldn’t put her name to an exercise gadget that didn’t work.

On that note, here’s a sampling of some of the latest workout inventions and their claims. Whether they work or not is up for debate, and we certainly don’t endorse any of them. We just think they’re chistosos.

The ABLITERATOR. Get it? Obliterate? With this exercise machine, the user can supposedly exercise all the muscles in the core area – and you don’t even have to lie down or kneel! This seems to be the selling point, making the Abliterator user-friendly for all ages and body types. The machine looks like a cross between a scale and a scooter. Stand on the non-skid platform, hold on to the handles, and twist away. Of course, you’d have to know that your hips and legs are set; only the upper body moves. Otherwise, you may as well get on the ground and roll around.

Gliding. Come on, chavalas, glide back into those True Religions. The claim on this invention’s website is that typical results are “1 jean size and 5.3 pounds in first 10 days.” That is, if you complete the Gliding exercise/diet program. These patented gliding discs remind me of the plastic discs you put under heavy furniture so you can slide it across the floor instead of hefting it. The exercise works kind of the same way: The user places the gliding discs under feet or hands to ease movement across the carpet or area rug (I guess you can’t use them on saltillo tile). The “revolutionary” sliding movement allows for full range of motion. You get the three-video library, two gliding discs and eating guide in the complete program, with a 30-day, money-back guarantee.

GymyGym. Cute name, don’t you think? Like Jimmy K, only this is a chair, not a comedian-slash-personal trainer. For a mere $600, you can work and exercise at the same time. Well, maybe work some and then exercise some, since you have to use your arms to get the benefits from the bungee-crazy contraption. I guess you can read email while you do lat pulls. The patented “flat bungee seating system” is designed to conform to the user, so it claims to provide a balance of support and give. GymyGym states in its selling points that it’s a solution “said to be the world’s first ergonomic exercise chair.” Not sure I’d want to get all sudada at work, but if time is of the essence …

Lower Stomach Beauty Trainer. Yes, beauty trainer – and quite the name for such a … simple device. It looks more like an S&M toy that lost its way – think medieval stockade for your feet. The idea is to sit on the ground, legs straight out in front of you, and put your feet in the 30-centimer holes cut out of this pink-and-black cushioned training block. It’s curved on the bottom, so you can rock it back and forth, twisting your lower body to work out your waist and abdomen (not your stomach). And it’s stylish to boot, so it “won’t look out of place in your living room.” Unless, of course, your décor is romantic Tuscan.

PT 24/7 Workout System. Remember Tae Bo and Billy Blanks? Here’s his latest fitness program that combines cardio and resistance exercises. Cardio gloves and bands are donned during floor exercises to sculpt muscles as you work your heart.

The selling points are that the bands move with you – no need to be stationary as with regular exercise bands, and you’ll “blast calories and sculpt at the same time! Cut your workout in half!” The complete program is a six-DVD set Basic, Ripped Core, Boot Camp Power, Body Blast …), gloves, bands, Billy’s nutrition guide and a rotation calendar.

Shake Weight. Oh, the jokes that have evolved from this particular exercise contraption …

It’s not your ordinary dumbbell, no señor. The 2.5-pound Shake Weight utilizes workout technology called “dynamic inertia,” which can increase muscle activity up to 300 percent more than a regular hand weight. Ladies, incredible results with just six minutes a day of, um, shaking the weight. The package includes the Shake Weight, instructions, and a bonus three-in-one deluxe DVD of Total Body, Latin Dance and Brazilian Booty workouts. But wait! Now the Shake Weight comes in a 5-pound size for men, with an upper body sculpting DVD. Now you and your lady friend can “work out” together.

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