Lolas Voicemail

 Lola

The case of the Mark Sanchez nightshirt

The case of the Mark Sanchez nightshirt

Mark Travis John Sanchez? Mark? It’s Lola, from Arizona … home of the Cardinals. Are you still celebrating your big victoria against the Chargers? I’m not supposed to root for the Jets, as we have a family policy of sticking to our respective teams for the entire season rain or shine. Your team is my […]




 LPM Staff

So many Barbies, so little time

So many Barbies, so little time

Tiger … listen, I’m not calling to give you more grief over your affairs. You really don’t want to know what I think, nor does it matter, though I will say that I feel sorry for your wife and kids. I’m calling to ask when you’ll be coming back. Ever since you announced your sabbatical, […]




 Lola

No to-do list

No to-do list

Sister, it’s me. Pick up! I have news for your breasts and your cervix. Here’s the scoop: On November 17, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) released new guidelines for breast cancer screenings. Its recommendations are considered the “gold standard.” Well, get this. They now say women should start getting mammograms at age 50 […]




 Lola

Signs of the times

Signs of the times

This is a message for Maricopa County Treasurer Charles Hoskins. Mr. Hoskins? I’m calling in regards to your billboards along the I-10 … Do you know which ones I’m talking about? They read and I quote: “If you own property, you owe taxes.”  I know you are not the complaints desk, but I simply need […]




 Lola

A prayer, and a pay hike, for our troops

A prayer, and a pay hike, for our troops

Technical Sergeant Cabrera, amiga, it’s me – Lola. By now you’re probably en route to a secret location somewhere near Afghanistan; I just wanted to call and say hasta la vista. I promise to send you care packages, calling cards, and your favorite sweets. Not that this will make your third tour of duty any […]




 Lola

It’s quite an honor to call a Latina ‘Your Honor’

It’s quite an honor to call a Latina ‘Your Honor’

Aló…? This is a message for Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor.




 Lola

Sex, lies, 1 Corinthians 13 … and the GOP

Sex, lies, 1 Corinthians 13 … and the GOP

Governor Sanford: I hope you are recovering from the heartache and the embarrassment. I know you already feel like a moron and I’m certain that since the story of your affair broke you’ve been tempted to call Southwest Airlines to become their spokesperson for their “Want to get away?” campaign. I just have to tell […]




 Lola

Off to the market with Tía Cuca

Off to the market with Tía Cuca

Hola, Tía Cuca. It’s Lola, I’ve been thinking a lot about the nation’s economy. Sí, sí, things are bad. But, as you know, I just earned my MBA from the Thunderbird School of Global Management. I’m not kidding! It took me seven years to do it, and I almost drove my pobrecito viejo Alberto crazy, […]




 Lola

Picture this: Looking tonta on photo radar

Picture this: Looking tonta on photo radar

Hola, Photo Radar Paparazzi. It’s Lola. I won’t bother to leave you my last name. Why should I? You already have my license plate number, my mailing address, and at least three very unflattering picture of me looking totally tonta. It’s times like these when I wished I’d followed my dear madrecita’s advice and studied […]




 Lola

On César Chavez, looking the part, and housewives desperadas

On César Chavez, looking the part, and housewives <em>desperadas</em>

Hola, Eva… soy Lola. Remember? I met you at the César Chávez Foundation dinner here in Phoenix last month. I just wanted to congratulate you, one more time, on receiving the award. You said not everyone can be famous but everyone can be great. You are both… Anyway, Eva, that dress you were wearing was […]