Robrt L. Pela

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This just in from the Only-in-Arizona Department: Yet another bizarre (and, some are saying, utterly unconstitutional) piece of legislation has been introduced by Arizona senators. This one, Senate Bill 1467, would, if passed, require that all schools in Arizona, from preschools to state universities, punish educators who uttered any words not allowed on prime-time network television.

No, seriously.

What’s more, the bill suggests that any professor or fourth grade teacher who is reported for using profanity anywhere, even in the privacy of their own home, can be suspended or even terminated.

The proposed law would essentially cripple most schools of higher learning. How might a literature professor teach, for example, Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, with its various orgy scenes and other wild sex romps? Or, a theater instructor teach about the evolution of playwriting without covering the bluer comedies of David Mamet or a fellow named Will Shakespeare? Should this bill pass into law, would a film history professor be stuck teaching only the oeuvre of Walt Disney?

According to the bill, teachers accused of infractions might, after the first occurrence, be suspended for a week without pay. A second breach would result in a minimum of two weeks’ suspension, and a third would find the professor who dared to teach anything that CBS wouldn’t include in an episode of The Big Bang Theory terminated. Note to shop teachers: Don’t hit your thumb with a hammer.

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